Ok, I called this with an article back on September 14th. In case you hadn’t read it, and would like to know how the red tsunami turned into a wet fart, it’s linked below.
It encompassed the three factors that you just knew would kill it: 1.) The always inventive ways that democrats find to cheat; 2.) Republicans finding equally inventive ways to lose, and; 3.) fully 50% of the American voting public once again illustrating its utter stupidity.
As of this writing, we still don’t know who will control either house. My prediction is the republicans will eek out a slim majority in the house. As for the Senate, it is still too close to call. History tells us, however, that the longer this goes on, the more time democrats have to find votes: under tables, trunks of cars, cereal boxes.
But we can still hope. Meanwhile, there will be a runoff in Georgia again. Vegas has an over/under on how many more women will come forth claiming Herschel knocked them up and paid for their abortions. I’m gonna go with the over - three.
I’ll keep the rest of this edition of the midterm post mortem short for now, as the remainder of the “red wave” peters out.
Let’s start with a couple of highlights. In Pennsylvania, John Fetterman is now a U.S. Senator. Let that sink in. Another walking corpse in DC. Just what we need. I have it on good authority this guy isn’t even a real human, but rather some sort of A.I. creation. Elon Musk warned us that stuff could get out of hand. My sources tell me his real name isn’t even Fetterman. It’s Gort. Fetterman is the name of the scientist who created him. But his resemblance to that of a human is pretty remarkable, right down to his brain, which mirrors exactly that of a democrat voter - small and damaged.
That giant lump on his neck is where the computer chip and hard drive are stored. The programming obviously still needs work. During his victory speech, he garbled: “I work will… for good the people… New Jersey. Klaatu barada nikto”.
I’m told that as of this writing he’s been wheeled back into the laboratory for new programming and that his vocabulary now will be limited to only one word - “Aye”, so he will be ready in January when the Senate starts voting again.
How did the the people of Pennsylvania not see through this ruse? And they stood in line for hours no less, waiting for Staples to send some paper so they could cast their ballots. They’re so dumb. Every election in this state is a fait accompli. The decision is made well in advance by the party bosses in Philadelphia. Those folks make Chicago look like rank amateurs when it comes to rigging, er, I mean running, an election.
Speaking of Illinois, congratulations to JB Pritzker. No, not for winning a second term, silly. Rather, for being the first governor in modern Illinois history to serve out a full term without being sent to federal prison. But c’mon Illinois, you’ve lost your mojo. That slob is a complete and utter bore. You can do better. We miss the old days, when you elected governors like Blago. Now that guy was hilarious.
Of the other governors that survived, there were a few were surprises. Kathy Hochul? Seriously? Think about the carnage that contemptible shrew created in her short tenure as a stand-in governor. Imagine what she has in store for you over the next four years, New York.
The only thing going up higher than those eyebrows will be your taxes. Lee Zeldin might have had a chance, were it not for the fact that most of the sane people left that state for Florida over the past few years.
Perhaps the biggest surprise last night, at least to me, was Wretched Gritmer in Michigan being elected to another term. For four years that dragon-breath ogress simply relished displaying her utter disgust and contempt for her subjects, er, I mean constituents. I didn’t catch her victory speech or plans for her second term, but I heard there was something about cake, and eating it. Whatever that means. Apparently, Michiganders are vying for the top spot in “The Most Miserable Places to Live” annual review. They’ve got more work to do if they want to take top billing from New York, but they showed they’re serious about it with last night’s decision. I guess in that case, um, keep up the good work???
I’ll be back with more about this calamity tomorrow, as the final boxes of votes are delivered in Arizona and Nevada.
In the meantime, stay thirsty my friends.